Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Hacks of Gorm, Part XIX: Wrath of the Rainbow

The three Masters of Equalitarianism stood before them. Gottschalk and Gorm stared back defiantly as He-woman, J. Kary-Rotter, and the Boas Constrictor advanced.

“Hold ssssssssssssssssstill,” hissed the Constrictor. “Your craniums reflect Racist SSSSSSSSSSSScience... and they must be Socially Re-Constructed!”

“Humanus Supremacistus Idiotus, Dieus!” screamed Kary-Rotter, waving her hands about rapidly.

“And watch out for my flower power!” proclaimed He-woman with his strangely echoing voice. Though still wounded, he/she flexed, lewd rod now in hand, rainbow thong and nip covers shimmering even more unpleasantly.

Gottschalk turned to Gorm. He hoped that these bizarre individuals would at least kill them before he would have to listen to their blathering or look at their upsetting forms much longer. There were sounds just outside the classroom door too- who knew who would enter next?

But Gorm had regained his strength. He grinned and flexed one of his biceps for a moment. He-woman giggled and, with his/her guard down, Gorm hurled his great axe right into his/her head. The heavy weapon burst it apart like one would a rainbow brain matter-filled watermelon.

“His crane-ee-um reconstructed.”

Kary-Rotter shrieked at Gorm’s barbaric statement as the corpse of He-woman fell. She spoke faster now to finish casting. Strange, metallic fans began to surround her once again.

Taking his cue from Gorm, Gottschalk hurled his miner’s pick at one of them. It ricocheted into the witch, knocking her unconscious, her spell still unfinished due to the many ‘-us’s’ it required.

Gorm beamed at having two foes felled so quickly, but there was just one problem now: they had no weapons left to fight the Boas Constrictor.

“Let me NUUUUUUUUUUURTURE you!” it hissed.

Before Gorm could refuse, it leapt at him, biting with its dwarven head and grappling him with its larger snake one. Gottschalk struggled to get it off his friend, but the monster only batted him away with its tail.

Regaining his feet, Gottschalk rifled through his bag in a panic then. He needed to find something to fight with! Gorm was a big man, but he could hear the Constrictor already begin to crush his bones. The only thing he could find was one small flask of mead.

Suddenly, the door burst open. Standing in the threshold was the group of goblins that they had left behind at the Schoolhouse entrance (in Part XVII). Their grey hides still appeared out of place in their ill-fitting hoplite armor, but their arrival also still proved enough of a distraction.

The Constrictor stopped biting and crushing Gorm for a moment and smiled at them. But the goblins, unlike the human students in this place, had not been misled into believing its Cult nonsense and did not smile back.

Seeing that they now had their spears ready to strike, it spoke with a patronizing quality that only a dwarf head set upon a serpent’s body could achieve. “Ho there, friendssssssss, we don’t stab Professssssssorsssssss in Our Culture! You’ll need to Acccccccccccccccept that.”

The goblins then glanced over at Gottschalk, smiled, nodded, and seemed to lower their weapons.

“See, human? Even goblinsssssssssssssss understand! That’s Real Ssssssssssssssscience, because I sssssssssssssssay it is!” The Constrictor then turned and readied to finish Gorm off.

“You trust goblins?” countered Gottschalk.

“Of coursssssssssssssse I do! Race is just a Sssssssssssssocial Construct!!”

At that, Gottschalk threw the flask at the monster, causing it to shatter and its mead contents to splatter all over its fanged face.  With it now fully distracted, the goblins grinned wickedly and launched their attack.

“Still think so, eh Constructor?!”

And as they stabbed the foul, hissing thing to death, Gottschalk saw the monster’s rainbow ichor splatter forth upon the classroom walls. And like all rainbows, he realized that the twisted society that the cultists would force upon people could not last for long.


They were just more distortions of the light.

* * *

With the ‘Masters’ defeated, Gottschalk helped Gorm stumble out of the Schoolhouse. And as was expected, the goblins were no help, but at least they were smart enough to not stab the two men.

Things seemed to change though once they emerged.

In the streets, throngs of masked, blue-haired cultists swarmed, destroying shops, shrieking for Captain Salpinx’s head and an end to ‘Human Privilege’.

Gottschalk had seen this before. It was eerily similar to the cultists who had railed for the destruction of his homeland, of Dinglesfuhr, weeks ago. In fact, many looked exactly the same! Perhaps they had fled his fallen land to make this land fall too?

“We Hate Hatred! We Violate The Violaters! We Won’t Accept Those Who Don’t Accept!” The hypocrisy upon their tongues only augmented the unsettlingness of their voices.

Spotting Gottschalk and Gorm, they then pointed and yelled. “And we Hate Racists Most of All!  Humans, Go Home! Get ‘em!”

The goblins looked back and forth quickly and then ran, leaving the two men to the cultists’ fury. They knew that they would only attack Gottschalk and Gorm: cultists were only too happy to prove how Anti-Racist they were by only attacking humans.

Gottschalk quickly helped Gorm to the ground and rose to stand against the incoming throng. He was no warrior and his body shook at the sight of so many screaming for his death for all the wrong reasons.

He knew there was one thing for certain when fighting such foes though: they will cry out in pain as they struck you.

Even if they wore the colors of the rainbow when they did.


Next week: The Hacks of Gorm, Part XX!

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